September


All excerpts from the journal were written by Ashley. The journal covers May 7 - November 11, 2013. No changes or edits have been made to anything she wrote. Some names have been redacted.

 

September 5, 2013

Sept 5, 2013 Life’s Good!

 

Well other than the fact that I have cancer growing inside my body like gangrene, I feel pretty good. I’m actually thinking that I can beat this for a little while at least.

Kenan and I had a good night today. We got to spend some time together that we haven’t been used to. It was nice to kinda get to how things were. Of course, things will never ever be the same (until the newsystem when it will be even better).

My parents finally switched over to our meeting last night. It was nice to have them around and my Dad’s phone going off was unforgettable. Good job Tony! I would have written about this last but we went out to eat after the meeting with Chad and Naomi

It made it hard to get out in service this morning tho. That and I woke up with my skin sore to the touch. I figure that it is just the radiation treatments. I asked if there was anything that they thought I could do. They were dumbfounded but came back with “Do you think you may be constipated?” LOL Yeah I’ve never heard that before. Shoot maybe I am although I went I went potty yesterday. I know that I still feel uncomfortable but it’ll be ok.

September 21, 2013

Sept 21, 2013 As you have noticed, I haven’t been writing in my journal like I should. And truthfully I think I really need to start back. I feel so much better mentally when I share my thoughts with the paper. The last couple of weeks have been miserable. The radiation kicked my tail more than I was led to believe it would. I’m having to take my Roxy every 4 hours just to help with the pain. And even then I find myself in tears and praying to Jehovah to take away the pain. I think my biggest fear at this moment is that Kenan will be left with these memories. He’s finding himself taking care of me most of the time that he is home. He’s fixing my meals and bringing them to me. He’s rubbing my back or opening up medicine bottles. He’s great, he really is and I hope I show my appreciation so that he realizes it.

Sept 21, 2013

As you have noticed, I haven’t been writing in my journal like I should. And truthfully I think I really need to start back. I feel so much better mentally when I share my thoughts with the paper. The last couple of weeks have been miserable. The radiation kicked my tail more than I was led to believe it would. I’m having to take my Roxy every 4 hours just to help with the pain. And even then I find myself in tears and praying to Jehovah to take away the pain. I think my biggest fear at this moment is that Kenan will be left with these memories. He’s finding himself taking care of me most of the time that he is home. He’s fixing my meals and bringing them to me. He’s rubbing my back or opening up medicine bottles. He’s great, he really is and I hope I show my appreciation so that he realizes it.

So Mya came and visited me Sunday-Thursday. It was so good to see her and I cried like a baby when she had to leave. She was an awesome house guest and since I wasn’t feeling well all we did was lounge around. We did venture out on Tuesday and ate lunch at the Dawg House. We also started a puzzle but weren’t able to finish it while she was here but it is done now. Jason and Dee came over last night and they helped finish it up, so it was a total best friends efforts.

So Mya came and visited me Sunday-Thursday. It was so good to see her and I cried like a baby when she had to leave. She was an awesome house guest and since I wasn’t feeling well all we did was lounge around. We did venture out on Tuesday and ate lunch at the Dawg House. We also started a puzzle but weren’t able to finish it while she was here but it is done now. Jason and Dee came over last night and they helped finish it up, so it was a total best friends efforts.

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 I am getting sleepy and it’s only 1:15 pm. The pain meds make me sleepy so at least I have and excuse. I hate it tho, especially today because I have tons to do. Kenan is out of the house gone to assembly rehearsal and I was wanting to do my WT which I should have started yesterday. I also have several Thank you and general cards as well. I hope to at least get some of those written

 I am getting sleepy and it’s only 1:15 pm. The pain meds make me sleepy so at least I have and excuse. I hate it tho, especially today because I have tons to do. Kenan is out of the house gone to assembly rehearsal and I was wanting to do my WT which I should have started yesterday. I also have several Thank you and general cards as well. I hope to at least get some of those written

Since I have such a busy afternoon ahead of me, I guess I better work on that. I’m going to try to remember to check in tomorrow so until then I will leave you.

Since I have such a busy afternoon ahead of me, I guess I better work on that. I’m going to try to remember to check in tomorrow so until then I will leave you.

September 23, 2013

Sept 23, 2013 Dr. Visit It’s just for a check up and hopefully for some relief from the intense burning pain that I am having in my stomach. Let me tell you that they need to replace these chairs in lab like they did the ones in oncology. These are hard and plastic. Oncology recently got nice cushy ones. I know these plastic one’s can probably be kept clean easier but they don’t do any favors to my boney back bone. So after they take my blood, I’m going to hit up the snack box which hopefully I can make it to oncology w/o a wheelchair… I did! My blood flowed freely which helps with how I feel and now I am in the comfy chairs watching my story… Wheel of Fortune. I’ve become addicted to this show. I even find myself watching it at home when I there at 10:00.

Sept 23, 2013 Dr. Visit

It’s just for a check up and hopefully for some relief from the intense burning pain that I am having in my stomach. Let me tell you that they need to replace these chairs in lab like they did the ones in oncology. These are hard and plastic. Oncology recently got nice cushy ones. I know these plastic one’s can probably be kept clean easier but they don’t do any favors to my boney back bone. So after they take my blood, I’m going to hit up the snack box which hopefully I can make it to oncology w/o a wheelchair… I did! My blood flowed freely which helps with how I feel and now I am in the comfy chairs watching my story… Wheel of Fortune. I’ve become addicted to this show. I even find myself watching it at home when I there at 10:00.

This process is actually moving along quite quickly today, b/c I am already checked in. I brought plenty of things to do tho. First I have my journal and then I brought some stationary to finally write a letter to my mother. Tammy only brought me the letter she wrote probably 2 months ago. I just don’t know what to say in response to her. It’s such an awkward relationship, and the letter she wrote was equally awkward. I also brought my Birds & Blooms mag too but I finished it while I was in lab. Time to pass it on to Kelly. She’ll really enjoy that. My dad is picking me up from the hospital today so I’ll just give it to him to pass it on to her. Hopefully she gets it. LOL. Sometimes my dad can be a little forgettful. But that’s ok we love him anyway. He’s my rock!  Well I’m about done with writing out my feelings at the moment so ta-ta for now.

This process is actually moving along quite quickly today, b/c I am already checked in. I brought plenty of things to do tho. First I have my journal and then I brought some stationary to finally write a letter to my mother. Tammy only brought me the letter she wrote probably 2 months ago. I just don’t know what to say in response to her. It’s such an awkward relationship, and the letter she wrote was equally awkward. I also brought my Birds & Blooms mag too but I finished it while I was in lab. Time to pass it on to Kelly. She’ll really enjoy that. My dad is picking me up from the hospital today so I’ll just give it to him to pass it on to her. Hopefully she gets it. LOL. Sometimes my dad can be a little forgettful. But that’s ok we love him anyway. He’s my rock! 

Well I’m about done with writing out my feelings at the moment so ta-ta for now.

September 24, 2013

Sept 24, 2013 - Smile Kenan keeps telling me to smile and as much as I would like to put one on my face just for him, it is so hard when I am hurting so bad most of the time. Here I was thinking that a good rest from chemo would make me feel all better but when you tack on some radiation boy could that ever be more wrong. I do have a cat scan scheduled for early in Oct so it will either show that the radiation helped or really put a bloody hole on my insides. I call it a blood hole b/c for the last 2 days when I go potty I’ve been noticing bright blood. And yes I know I have stomach cancer and it is just part of it but I’m getting tired of telling myself that. I’m getting tired of my house not being clean and having to rely on Kenan to do the cleaning. Let’s face it - he doesn't notice the little things like I do. I’m getting tired of being sick everyday and popping pills like PEZ candy. I just want to go back to half way normal and to be able to smile for Kenan again. He at least deserves that after what he’s having to go through too. 

Sept 24, 2013 - Smile

Kenan keeps telling me to smile and as much as I would like to put one on my face just for him, it is so hard when I am hurting so bad most of the time. Here I was thinking that a good rest from chemo would make me feel all better but when you tack on some radiation boy could that ever be more wrong. I do have a cat scan scheduled for early in Oct so it will either show that the radiation helped or really put a bloody hole on my insides. I call it a blood hole b/c for the last 2 days when I go potty I’ve been noticing bright blood. And yes I know I have stomach cancer and it is just part of it but I’m getting tired of telling myself that. I’m getting tired of my house not being clean and having to rely on Kenan to do the cleaning. Let’s face it - he doesn't notice the little things like I do. I’m getting tired of being sick everyday and popping pills like PEZ candy. I just want to go back to half way normal and to be able to smile for Kenan again. He at least deserves that after what he’s having to go through too. 

September 30, 2013

Sept 30, 2013 Back @ the Doctor My leg has been numb for several days now. Numb from my butt to the tip of my toes. It’s so bad that I stumble and fall. I have no feeling in it. So Kenan called last week and got an appointment for today. I’ve broken down a couple of times about it because I am really useless at the moment and have to help just to go to the bathroom. Through out this whole process the hardest thing for me has been the lack of independence. I don’t like having to ask others b/c I don’t want to be a burden. It has definitely been a humbling experience, to say the least.  So here’s to hoping that the figure out what the heck is wrong with this leg and are able to fix it pronto!!!

Sept 30, 2013 Back @ the Doctor

My leg has been numb for several days now. Numb from my butt to the tip of my toes. It’s so bad that I stumble and fall. I have no feeling in it. So Kenan called last week and got an appointment for today. I’ve broken down a couple of times about it because I am really useless at the moment and have to help just to go to the bathroom. Through out this whole process the hardest thing for me has been the lack of independence. I don’t like having to ask others b/c I don’t want to be a burden. It has definitely been a humbling experience, to say the least. 

So here’s to hoping that the figure out what the heck is wrong with this leg and are able to fix it pronto!!!

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