All excerpts from the journal were written by Ashley. The journal covers May 7 - November 11, 2013. No changes or edits have been made to anything she wrote. Some names have been redacted.

May 7, 2013

On May 3, 2013 We were hit with the news that I have cancer. Crazy how your life changes so quickly. Anyway this is a journal of our journey through this ordeal...

May 7, 2013 Biopsy Day! Tammy wants me to record my life through this journal, so here we go. Today after much starvation they finally pulled me into the operation room. I honestly don't remember anything about it and all it left me was a little discomfort and one less swollen lymph node. Boy were those some good sedation meds. It probably doesn't help that I had had two morphine shots earlier either, in fact as I write this my words start running together.

Tomorrow is our 9th anniversary. What a way to spend it, very romantic but we know that we are going to be fine and I am completely confident that Kenan will forever be there to take care of me. He already has done such a great job and we haven't even made it to the hardest stuff yet. I sure hope I never take him for granted or make him feel that way anytime. Goodnight for now! like I said these meds make me dopey. - Ash

May 8, 2013

May 8, 2013 Happy Anniversary to us!

9 yrs of marriage and we get to spend this one in the hospital on the oncology floor. But I'm really ok with that because I know that we will have many more anniversaries together and we love each other enough to make it through anything.

My biggest concern at this point is hoping that Kenan doesn't get worn out. We are going to have a really long road ahead of us and he shouldn't have to feel like he has to do it all on his own. We have friends and family, in fact his grandfather has already stepped up and given us a bed that he was originally going to charge us $300 for. That was sweet of him and really unnecessary. The bed will be a huge help tho when we get home.

Round 2... So around 3 p.m. I am awoken by my oncologist and my medicine dr. Dr Hoffman to inform me "Well you are going to die." It has to be possibly the worst anniversary gift ever but we have to remain positive if we want to beat this stuff as best as possible.

What sucked most today was having to go back and tell people (including ourselves) that everything is not as hunky dorey as they originally had presumed. That was a whole lot to handle at one time all of a sudden. And I sorry Kenan as you read this but you know that I wanted to smack you with your unrealistic attitude at the docs first utterance of "this isn't good".  I told you that already but just had to rub it in (lol) You know I love you. But from this day on ward we are going to take one day at a time and set our little goals to achieve. It won't be easy by any means but we have each other. Love ya bunches my babe!

May 9, 2013

May 9, 2013 Well I haven't eaten anything since midnight, because some time or another I am scheduled for a pet scan. I haven't eaten since midnight and even tho I'm not tired (I mean hungry) that's the morphine talking.

Pet scan was breeze. Seriously there was nothing to it at all. I had to drink a lot of fluids and had to pee like 3 times afterwards But once I got into the scan I was fast asleep. Shoot I was fast asleep before that too. That Valium stuff is WOW! And top that with oxycodone and ocycottin. (No I don't know how to spell meds) I have been loopy all day. I hate feeling like this but then again I don't want to be in pain either. I know that the meds will get straightened out soon.

So tomorrow I get my cancer port and I'm having an EGD. Still getting so frustrated with the old doctors since I have had all of these tests ran. I've had an EGD, I've had a cat scan, and I've had ultrasounds but it is Satan's system and he is going to do his hardest to make it super hard for us.

OK that's all for tonight because my words and letters are changing in size so I'm getting tired. Nighty Nite

May 10, 2013

May 10, 2013 "No chemo port...Oh wait it's ok"

I promise it had to have been 4:45 when this young doc made his rounds this morning and informed me that they had overbooked the surgery room and I would not be able to get my chemo port until Monday or Tuesday. Yikes!! But then he came back in and said that since I was NPO (No Food By Mouth) and already have an EGD scheduled for today they were going to push me on thru. YAY!!

So they took my chemo port hopes back again. I guess one day I will get it. I did have an EKG today tho. I didn't find out that I could eat until about 5:30 b/c they were hesitating telling me that I wouldn't have my other surgery. Of course I had wanted to get it out of the way but I was starving too. It's like they want me to eat but they don't. It is hilarious! First snack of choice after starvation is a yoohoo and a fruit roll up out on the balcony. Which brings us to one of the funniest things that has happened since we've been here. All I have to say is - watching Daddy eat his 1st ever fruit roll up which was completely melted. It was all over his fingers and his chin but he would not give up. LOL! Now thats determination.

May 11, 2013

We had Chad and Sarah (Monroe) fly in from Ohio to see us, today on top of all the rest of our company. It was great to see them.

May 12, 2013

May 12, 2013 2nd good day

After having a great day yesterday, with renewed strength and being free from my IV pole, I woke up today excited to get the day started. Infact I may have gotten a little excited because I cleaned up my room, took a shower and all of that good stuff and then the nausea sank in. But before all of that I must let you know that if you want to sleep in a hospital Sunday is the best day. My young surgeon dr who usually wakes me up at 4:45 didn't come in until 8:00 and both Kenan and I didn't get out of bed until 11:00 because we knew we were having some company come in.

Later in the day we even had friends from the RBC stop by and see us on their way home. (the Bakers and the Bells) And the very encouraging visit of the Lucketts. Jerry's brother has died from cancer while his wife proved to be a caregiver for 3 yrs all while never stopping to pioneer. But the Lucketts helped us laugh like crazy but we also got to shed a few tears.

Tomorrow I get my chemo port!!

May 13, 2013

May 13, 2013 Chemo Port

Young surgeon dr. came in early this morning and after I asked if he had any idea when I would go back for surgery, he left and quickly came back to let me know that I was able to get in early. Super early in fact, b/c within 15 min I was being wheeled into the elevator. Can you believe I even made it back in time to eat breakfast? I didn't eat or lunch because I was in so much pain but still... that was record surgery time.

There were some interesting things that happened in the prep area including a man who apparently has the worse veins ever b/c he had like 4 different people working on him and he also got explained to him that he wouldn't be able to be put under full sedation b/c he had had problems in the past and probably wouldn't wake up. NICE!!

Then there was this older nurse in there who was saying how they flunked some sanitation thing earlier that week. But then reassured me that it was ok it was just something the depart. wanted them to do that they weren't doing but were going to start. LOL OK!! (But why talk about it in a room full of patients ready to be wheeled away to surgery?) 

Well of course I don't remember anything about my surgery.

As I mentioned earlier, I was in so much pain when I got back to the room. My stomach hurt and my wound hurt, pretty much in pain everywhere. It took quite a while for that to level out. I was so glad it did too because Zee, Nancy, Sis. Young, and Sis Lawson came and saw me. I originally had Kenan call and let them know I wasn't feeling well and didn't really need the company. Once they got here tho I was much better so I threw on some clothes and visited with my dear sisters. They were so funny b/c of course we all had to get pics together. After they left Slade and Tara came over. We were able to go and sit on the balcony and get some fresh air. It was nice.

I also received many many texts today when I got back from surgery. I eventually got around to checking them after slade and Tara left.

May 14, 2013

May 14, 2013 We are Going Home!! 

We left the hospital around 1:30. Boy we were ready to get out of there but it was emotional to say goodbye to all of my wonderful nurses. The road was bumpy on the way home but we cranked up my seat warmers and it helped my back tremendously. Once we actually got back to Ruston we went to Walgreens and of course they didn't have my Oxycodone so as we left all of my scripts at Walgreens we drive all the way across town to Rite Aid then back to Walgreens. It was just a lot. And between that and coming home to a house that is a complete wreck was too much for Kenan to handle.

My parents and Jason and Dee did come over to help which was a tremendous help. They may never know how much all of that has meant to us. But of course when I got home, I crashed in the bed and slept very soundly for 2 hrs. It was nice to be in my own bed and not having to worry about drs and nurses coming in to ask questions or poke and prod or shove a pill down my throat. Although I must admit that once I got home and was having to organize all of my pills it was a bit overwhelming.

It was so good to be able to spend some private time with Dee. It was nice to vent some and I that she isn't a very emotional person, but because she is such a good friend she listens and that what I need the most at times.

After everybody left, we started to get ready for bed after taking my pills. You have to understand that this house is a mess and even the things we brought home with us can't be found. This stressed Kenan out beyond words and I'm trying so hard not to be demanding but some things just needed to be found. I needed shampoo. I needed my brush... It's just a lot for us to handle at one time but I also know that we have to get out of this rut or it is going to make things worse. But we are going to figure this out and we are going to take one day at a time.

Ocycodone time so goodnight! I already had some vomitting after my shower but I think it is because we did so much after taking all of my meds. I'm going to have to figure this med thing out... stat. 

Chemo Starts Tomorrow - Just a tad nervous

May 15, 2013

May 15, 2013 Happy Chemo Day

- check in nurse - Ms Fran ~ (weight 100.4lb)

- Exam room 3 - it's freezing in here 68 degrees 

So apparently today wasn't chemo day, just consultation. We go back tomorrow after they mix together my special formula. But I won't start my pill chemo until after my gamma knife procedure. I'm not exactly sure how all of this going to work out but just one day at a time. We got our appt time for tomorrow (8:30) and sent us on our way. We made it home in time for Kenan to get Appetizers because I made him promise me that he would relax and take time for himself. I took like a four hour nap so I know he didn't relax that much but he looked a lot less stressed when I woke up so that's what meant the most to me.

The Dukes provided us with supper tonight. I have to get some meat on my bones (in case you haven't noticed my weight from today... it is low). So I nibbled slowly away at my good cancer fighting foods and Kenan and I sat and talked for a while at the dining room table. Kenan then went to Walmart to pick up a few things and left me with my supper, pills, and my stack of cards that I am trying to say thanks for all of the support. I have decided with that too that i am doing a little at a time.

I even started decluttering stuff that to me was once important but now is so not. And let's just say I don't beat this, I don't want Kenan to have to go through it and throw stuff away. I know that isn't a task I would want. In fact before my bath tonight I think I am going to do a little more of that and while I am in the bath and afterwards Kenan is going to start on our bedroom a little. Jason and Dee come back tomorrow, hopefully I won't be too worn out from first chemo round, but good thing about them is they understand so it's ok. 

One more thing before i sign off... I realize that at the oncology clinic there are different cancers and different stages but sitting there I was getting so frustrated watching all of these people drinking cokes and eating chips, smelling second hand smoke. I just ran my first marathon in January, try to eat relatively healthy, have never smoked, and drink tons of water. It just goes to show cancer has no special target!

Dory: 'Just Keep Swimming'

May 16, 2013

May 16, 2013 Finally Chemo Day!

weight - 99.5 lbs (so down a little but she said my other vitals are good)

Ms Pam Gardner Ms. Barbara (volunteer cancer society lady) She is giving me a free blanket that I am trusting Kenan to pick out. TURTLES

My 1st Chemo RN =  Lisa Striplin 

So during my chemo treatment was pretty boring. I was the one who laid there as everybody came and left. My treatments last 2 1/2 hours; others not so much. OMG tho please help me to remember my IPod and headphones for the next time. That soap opera was right above my head and I couldn't even concentrate on my nap.

After my treatment was when I really started feeling the affects. I was really hoping I would be one of those with no affects, but apparently I was the only one who was thinking that positively. So almost immediately the walls start rotating and I know that I need Kenan to get me to the chemo room and the car. Besides the dizziness, I have had nausea, some tingling in my lips and leg hairs (yes I know that sounds funny) I had the cold water thing that my chemo nurse warned me about which totally freaked Kenan out, and I've had vomitting a couple of times tonight already.

I feel so bad to see Kenan go through this at such a young age, but I know he loves me and I would do the same thing for him. And as we told each other tonight (after a throwing up episode into a yellow bowl) things are going to get much worse before they get better, but we have to try our hardest to get through this.

May 17, 2013

May 17, 2013 Keep Hoping for Misdiagnosis

Everyday I wake up and hope this is all just an awful nightmare for everyone involved. Kenan today let me know that he feels like I have already given up and that he wants me to live more than I do. I hate that he would ever feel that way, my biggest thing is getting calories in and keeping them in. Then I get frustrated when stuff is shoved in my face that doesn't take like anything but that isn't supposed to matter because it is going to help me in the long run. I don't want any one to think I'm giving up, b/c I'm a fighter.

Katlin came over with Tammy this afternoon and kept me company while Kenan and Tammy went to Walmart. I love the innocence of children b/c she was actually woman enough to just come out and basically ask a complete stranger how they feel about all of this. She asked how I felt about everybody baby-ing me or acting like they all of a sudden cared. I was able to honestly tell her that 95% of people in my case, I really feel are genuine and she seemed to appreciate that. I know I don't know her very well but she's a pretty good kid and we are going to get along just fine.

I threw up tonight so tomorrows goal is not to do that so I can keep these calories in. No pain tomorrow / plus no vomit!!

May 19, 2013

May 19, 2013 Uncle Sam's Visit

Uncle Sam was driving back thru from Houston today. He took a last minute trip out to Houston for a shooting competition and he won a medal (1st place) just for me. I know shooting isn't my thing but he said that the medal was dedicated to me because he wouldn't have even been on this side of the country if he hadn't known I was sick. It made me feel special!

Ok had to step away as I puked... first time today tho so that's a plus and I didn't throw up much so that means there are still calories in my tummy. I still have 3 pills to take and then I'm going try to guzzle down this calorie ridden smoothie.

Today with Kenan and I was interesting. He didn't seem to get it or seem to remember how it feels to be nauseous. He was bouncing on the bed, and trying to touch me and talk loud. I did finally tell him and he felt bad about it but it was the in between that was frustrating - that was my fault tho. It really sucks to have cancer and not be able to express yourself. I should have really worked on that years ago when Kenan wanted me too. 

May 20, 2013

May 20, 2013

Last night before bed, Kenan's revelation to me was that he wasn't going to let me die. He did dream tho that I had died and he had started the dating process again. I always knew he would. He wouldn't do good at all single. Or he could just fulfill his promise to not let me die.

May 21, 2013

May 21, 2013 Gamma Pre-OP Fail (Dehydration = No Blood)

It was my hope today that everything would go as planned, but of course it never does. In fact today was pretty bad. First of all we had to walk down a super long hall, then up an elevator then down another hall. LOL! Sounds fun doesn't ?!? I finally made it and in good spirits probably because of the sit breaks in between. As we went over our consultation not knowing if Kenan is hearing the same things I hear but there is a possibility that tomorrow's MRI will reveal more spots that could be deeper and may not be able to radiate at all. But don't worry...I have a little head which gives them more room. That's why I'm a good candidate!

Ok so after consult...lab work. Epic Fail. My veins are so dry nothing wants to come out. My blood sugar drops and on comes the sweating, vomitting, and loose stool. (Now of all days my stool softener decides to work.) We did what we could do and head back home only to later turn back around to get our night accommodations at a hotel right across from the hospital. 6am is early for anybody but I knew Kenan couldn't do it, he just didn't want to listen so that wasted some money on gas. Once we got home tho I took a little nap, boo-hoo'd to kenan about letting me please have some Gatorade and then we made the trip back to Shreveport. Tomorrow is the big day!

May 22, 2013

May 22 Gammo Knife Radiation 

I'm nervous as all get out and we are sitting in our hotel across the street when my appt is supposed to start. 6:00 am while Kenan eats breakfast. It seems a little selfish to me but I know it will be ok, shoot we will be there all day anyway.

By the time we get into the hospital and registered it is 6:15 am and Fletch picks me up with my little black limo (ok some people call them wheelchairs but let me live a little) I get into position on my bed and start getting hooked up to my heart monitors and IV. My blood is flowing better today since I had a Gatorade and water the night before but regardless the IV helped with fluid too. Kenan still complained about how tired he was and dozed on and off for several hours.

There were 3 gammo knife procedure patients today. Me (the youngest) and 2 other females. As explained yesterday an MRI would be taken today and the easiest patient would go first. I had already told myself to expect to be the last considering the last couple of weeks I had had. But - by - golly some good news finally. Sorry to the other 2 who were worse than me but I hadn't caught a break in a while and I not only wanted one but at this point it was more of a need.

I don't remember too much of the process in general. I was awake the whole time but doped with local anesthesia. I do remember getting the metal contraption screwed on to my head. Yeah that doesn't feel good, so they are right about warning you about that. But honestly that was the worse of it and after you get acclimated to the extra weight on your head you just end up feeling like a human bobble head. During the actual procedure they just move you in and out of this tube much like a MRI, CAT, or PET scan and readjust as necessary. On my last withdrawal from the tube the IV got ripped from my arm. Again that didn't hurt much but they had a repeat of trying to find a vein and I was just praying my arm wouldn't spasm like it did at Glenwood. It didn't and we are all good.

The neurosurgeons all and all were opomistic but we won't know the results for 3 months. Can't wait to see what it says. I'm a little nervous like everyone else but staying positive too and floating on my cloud for as long as I can. When we got home around 6 I immediately went to sleep, then Kenan woke me up at 9 to eat supper and take some pills. I was able to keep everything down (Yay!) and I went back to bed. All in all I liked today. I got good news with my MRI, I kept down all of my food and that makes me one happy girl.

* notes from phone today that I jotted down - 

Yesterday Tabitha and Cristy (my RNs during the procedure) talked about using Fletch because he knows spanish and they needed a translator for tomorrow. Well Fletch is who picked me up un my "little black limo". Come to find out his name isn't Fletch just a nickname that he has acquired and has may or may not signed a house loan to. Crazy guy!

Another cool thing is that when Dr. Nanda came into see me today, he asked when I was going to do my next marathon. I responded "next year". Loving his positivity. 

May 23, 2013

May 23, 2013 No Nausea!

Woke up this morning around 3 and had to take a pain pill because of some slight discomfort in the left side of my skull which I can only imagine came from that contraption being screwed tightly into my head for hours on end. After that I woke up again at 9 to take the usual meds although the difference this morning I had to dig through all of my pill bottles because lazy me I didn't organize them. Probably not smart, I know. But lesson learned and I will tonight before I go to bed.

So good news today is that I haven't had vomitting or nausea today and I woke up with a thirst and an appetite. I'm going to take advantage of this. So around 12:30 (yes we slept in long today) Kenan made me up some lima beans and a sweet potato. And I was able to take bigger bites than usual so it didn't take me forever to eat. I sat at the table, ate, and wrote some thank you notes.

Kenan left and picked me up some pretty cool bird feeders today. Now I can see them straight and center out of the window if the birds ever get lazy and stop wanting to find their own food, I guess.

May 24, 2013

May 24, 2013 No Nausea Again, Plus a Trip to Lowe's

I'm beginning to really like this no nausea thing. And I think I am getting enough fluids, but who does that? Even healthy people stay dehydrated. Had a good friend Karon drive down from Monroe on her day off to see me and visit. It was nice to sit and catch up, just us girls, as Kenan went and ran around.

He woke up super early this morning and super excited about all of his birds (the red ones, and blue ones, and brown ones and the ones with the orange beaks). I hated to drown his enthusiasm but that kind of tom foolery would not even be tolerated by him 99% of the time especially at 8:30 in the a.m.

After Karon left we sat on the porch for a little bit before we went on a desperate search for guitar picks. We never found any because the store doesn't exist any more but we did go to Lowe's (Woohoo flowers) and a trellis and bird feeder #5 made it home with me. Yeah we have way too many bird feeders. I can't wait to put a small flower bed under the pole of bird feeders tho. I think that will really spruce it up and make it come together.

Today, probabably since I've felt steadily better I finally began to think I can beat this deep down in my heart.

Chad and Naomi walked over tonight to hang out and eat pizza. The original plan was to watch basketball but we ended up just chilling and talking. I enjoyed it a lot.

Speaking of service, that's my goal for tomorrow. The group meets at our house starting tomorrow so I'm going to get ready, take my meds early and if I feel good great and if not that's ok too. I am still going to make the effort, plus it is convention campaign so that's easy enough.

I'll let you know how it goes....

May 25, 2013

Then Tammy and Thomas came over and after I ate way too many lima beans we headed out for a whole new hair do. We went short! I know it's going to feel weird tomorrow when I wash it for the first time myself but the style is adorable and I knew this is what I wanted before it starts to fall out completely. Come ON I Know That STEP IS COMING!! Just went ahead and got one step out of the way. A girl I went to beauty school actually ended up cutting my hair and she was sweet about it. Plus I got the "free" cancer discount. I felt bad for that tho and ended up buying some products from her. I didn't want her to have wasted all of that time, but again that was really sweet of her. Thanks Amy! You did a great job on the hair.

Tomorrow is the meeting so we will see how I feel after that...

May 26, 2013

We had company again today after a nice nap Tannan & Courtney and my parents. I still feel exhausted! Tomorrow I am really going to rest. Kenan is going back to work for the first time and Kelly is coming over basically to sit w\ me to make sure I don't seize. I have to make a dent in the clothes in this bedroom tho. It is driving me bonkers and the walls are starting to really close in. I don't think it would be so bad if as I folded, Kenan put away but that isn't happening. Shoot he's gotta rest too sometime.

Tomorrow a goal is also to manage my pain. Don't get me wrong I haven't been in too much pain but I think on the weekends b\c I wake up early to take my meds so that I can function for service and the meeting by the time night rolls around, things are starting to hurt. I wish I knew how much cancer was in my bones b\c then I could be like "I know exactly why my shoulder is killing me". Now it could just be that I slept wrong the night before. I hope to remember next MRI to see what all is going on and how much I glow.

Goodnight! Hope to sleep long and hard---

May 27, 2013

May 27, 2013 Kelly Came Over & Kenan Went to Work

I slept good last night but I have noticed that my left leg is prickly ALOT. I guess that is just part of it but I know now to be a little more careful when I shave my legs. Kelly came over today while Kenan went back to work for the first time since my diagnosis. I had a little down time before Kelly showed up, but unfortunately for me I allowed myself to get stressed because of trash and dishes piled in the sink. I am really going to have to learn to let things go, it's just so hard to go from being able to do tons to being limited even to pick up a plate.

I started on some more thank you cards and waited for Kelly to show up. Once she did and ate her WhattaBurger (LOL) and could tell she was antsy to do something productive. The huge pile of clothes that has been by our bed since we've been here has now disappeared which I will be eternally grateful. Yet another stress out of the way. It was really nice having her around tho because we were able to talk in a way seriously about what is going on.

Once Kenan got home, I found out he didn't have that great of a day at work besides all of the money he made. He doesn't like all of the pity he gets because his wife has cancer and I can't blame him, especially since that has never been the kind of person he is. I love him tho and I know in time that the attention will go away and it might start feeling normal again, somewhat.

Long day tomorrow, have to get a hand script for my oxycontin and we are going to start gathering records for a medical malpractice lawsuit which I am pretty sure we are wasting our time on, but oh well what do we have to lose? Nothing I hope

May 28, 2013

May 28, 2013 Mommy, Mommy I went Potty.... (LOL)

I say that because I was rounding that corner today, where I just knew I was going to have to do the dreaded enima. Nope.

The rest of the day was extremely busy. We ran all around Monroe/West Monroe picking up medical records for the past 3 years for our medical malpractice suit. It wasn't hard to get the records. I just hope it wasn't a waste of time or money. As long as this doesn't happen to anyone else in the future, I am ok with whatever comes from all of this. No one should have to suffer ( or their family) for years and have doctors tell them that it is all in their head or that your only problem is constipation, especially when you are willing to spend the money. If (redacted) had asked me one more time why I didn't have insurance after paying $150 per visit, I think I could have smacked her a good one... oh wait I may have had that opportunity but she diagnosed me with an ulcer last time and by the time it was time for my next appt. I was in the hospital being diagnosed with what I actually have... Stage 4 cancer. But never mind that because they sent a bill for $25 for missing it. Kenan says he's not paying that. (I'll let you know if he ever does)

We went to Jason and Dee's tonight after our running around.

Another big reason we came to (or went to) Monroe today was to pick up my OxyContin which ran out. That didn't happen b/c of the dumb nurse and dumb doctor so now I not only have to set an alarm to take my lesser dosage pain pill every 4 hrs but Kenan has to go back to Monroe tomorrow. I hate that he has to do that, but I also know that he hates that I have the inconvenience of taking this pill every 4 hrs instead of every 12 which is much more sensible. I can't do this too long either b/c I am on a pretty good system here and I am kinda getting used to not having back pain which is where it is most of the time when I hurt now. I have confidence tho that it will be better tomorrow.

Well I have about 3 1/2 hrs before I have to wake up and take another pain pill so I guess I need to close up shop for the night, but as you can tell I am really digging this writing thing. Shoot after I go into remission, this just may become one of my favorite past times.

May 29, 2013

So remembering to take a pain pill every 4 hours that only keeps the pain away about 3 hours is not fun, message received. I just took some good stuff tho and I am hoping that it kicks in pronto. And even tho I am hungry, I don't want to eat because I hurt and my stomach is in knots.

Had a wonderful meeting tonight. It was still enjoyable to continue to meet everybody and of course I kinda still feel like "the sick girl", but it's ok. I know it's just how people are going to react. (Ha, he just looked @ me as I wrote that and saw tears in my eyes and asked if I needed a hug... if he only knew) Yes this is the second time that I broke down tonight. Just one of those things that comes and goes. I'm entitled right

Tomorrow after some rest, Kenan and I are running to town (like we live in the sticks) and getting me some panties and bras that fit. Today I found a bra, that isn't a sports bra, that fit and I was estatic. Yep when I find things that I already have (just like the dress I wore tonight) that fit, I get so excited. Especially since the bills are coming in and the government has yet to step in and help. I know it has to be stressing Kenan out. My pills, especially the OxyContin costs a lot of money and although so far we have had two refills that haven't cost, I'm pretty sure the next time we won't be as fortunate, that's $500 Come on Madicaid and/or Free Care!! Please hurry for all of our sakes.

Going to bed @ midnight probably an after Kenan but I am feeling good right now. Roxy & Oxy has me feeling a little (well a lot) tingly but not in pain. I don't really like this particular feeling so I hope to not have to do it a lot but it worked and I hope I feel good in the morning.

May 30, 2013

May 30, 2013 I think it's about gone...

...more on that later.

So last night it was going on 2:30 before I went to bed. I kept finding things that I wanted to look @ online. And I found my cancer color ribbon; it's periwinkle. I like that color so I'm cool with that. I want to get a bracelet for me and Tammy. I was going to get her a sister bracelet but what I will probably do is order the periwinkle ribbon bracelet off of Etsy and add some other charms. I'll have to price it out to see my cheapest option. Kenan got a letter in from Medicaid today so they wanted more info but he said the lady was very helpful and suggested that I fill out for SSI benefits as well. I don't know if I'll get anything but guess it doesn't hurt to try.

OK so back to the intro line (I know it's killing you right?!?) While I was sitting on the front porch talking to Mya on the phone I started playing with my hair. I can pull it and it just comes out in globs. Kenan is the only one I have told but I'm not prepared. What kind of scarves go on your head? I'm sure they are smaller than neck ones right? I knew it was coming so why haven't I researched more? Probably because I just started researching anything, but I have that on my agenda as Kenan and I watch basketball tonight.

My tummy has felt a little funny today so still not taking my laxatives. It's probably my new and improved diet that is filled with healthy fats that is keeping me so regular now. That's something I definitely thought I would never say... "I'm regular". Hopefully I don't become one of those diaper wearing never knowing when I go kinda people, but I'm sure that is always a possibility or probability.

Tomorrow I am going to the circuit overseer build project and I'm super excited. I have to get everything together tonight tho before bed so that I don't slow Kenan down tho for work, since he's dropping me off on his way thru. What to wear, oh what to wear? I have my hard hat out already and I am going to grab my safety book out of the truck. I gotta pack my pills and my lunch and a snack... whew a little overwhelmed just thinking about it actually, but I'm going to take my time and get it done and goal tonight is go to bed early. I think I can do it.

May 31, 2013

May 31, 2013 Super Sleepy

Went to the circuit overseer apartment build today. It wasn't an official day and I felt bad for the brothers b/c there were only about 5 there to hang sheetrock and I couldn't do any thing at all. But I had my hard hat and my safety book. LOL I thought I was going to spend more time with my Dad but he was a busy bee and I would have wanted nothing less than him to be doing what he loves. And he was working those stilts. I got to see several friends today and they kept saying how encouraging I was.

Even Bro. Carston (who just got out of the hospital from almost dying) was more concerned about me than himself. I had done good all day keeping it together until then. He's a good man.

Kenan was so nice to drop me off and pick me up at the site today. I know that he was worried it would be too much and it probably was but just because I've been all play this week. In fact tonight was another Oxy/Roxy night. I'm going to try to keep those to a medium as long as I can.

When we got home after a brief rest and a yummy and nutritious Mahi Mahi dinner we relaxed a little more and went to Lowe's. Oh wait... I almost forgot our heart to heart. We talked about me dying because I wanted to know how he was feeling. It was nice to get things out there and I hope to continue to keep things open. 

But I found it comforting to know that he still believes I'm part or one of those 6 out of 100 who survive stomach cancer. Wish I had his confidence at the moment.

Back @ Lowe's we picked up some chairs for our front patio and a Mandeville plant for the back window that Kenan will have to plant and water but not sure he thinks about those things when I tell him. We also acquired a new bird feeder today thanks to Uncle Sam and Aunt Nita. It's a nice one too, we just have to find somewhere to put it. We are now up to 6 reg. bird feeders and a hummingbird feeder. Do you think we like our birds?


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