All excerpts from the journal were written by Ashley. The journal covers May 7 - November 11, 2013. No changes or edits have been made to anything she wrote. Some names have been redacted.



June 1, 2013

June 1, 2013 Good day in service, back is out and hair is gone...

yep a lot got done today. Woke up good and ready for service even tho I was scrounging for a scarf to put on my head b/c the hair was definitely going the way of the buffalo. Hey wait aren't they doing better now? There is hope!

We got home a little after 12:15 and ate lunch. I had some not quite cooked red beans while Kenan ate pizza (you know that 'Devil' stuff I can't eat). Kenan left for service again for a few minutes and that was about it. Then when he got back, not sure what I was trying to get out of a bottom cabinet in the kitchen, there went my back... literally. It hasn't been the same since. I've taken 2 Roxys (not @ the same time) and have taken my Oxy as well. I think it is probably a combo of everything that I've been trying to do lately. I really have to learn to take it easy, because I can't live like this.

Once we got home I ate. Tuna and Triscuts and some Greek yogurt w/ fruit, nuts, and honey. I'm trying to fatten up but I keep losing weight. There are days I would have longed to weigh less and now I just want to be back in the triple digits. I feel like I will never get there on my diet. Wonder what the doctor is going to say Monday?

Another decision was made tonight, too. Bye Bye hair = Hello tears. It was an emotional departure but I know it will get better in time. Didn't think I would feel like this but now my head is cold as I go to bed. Kenan says I may need a pill for my emotions but I am hoping it's just a phase. My dad even said he cried today. That hit like a dagger to the heart, but he's coming to see me tomorrow. Can't wait to see him since I didn't get to see him much yesterday. I'm hoping to make it to the meeting tomorrow although at this moment I'm not so sure about that. Courtney and Tannan are suppose to come over too but I am thinking about putting that on hold too. I hope they understand.

BTW... I'm going to stop doing research online about stomach cancer. I think that is what is bumming me out the most. All of the blogs end w/ their death or some idiot surviving on marijuana and booze. I going to stick to researching the treatments I've been selected to get and pray that they work. If not plan B. I have to become positive again and be like Kenan

June 2, 2013

June 2, 2013 Good day

Well it started out just ok because Kenan got a little snippy but he's entitled. We are both stressed why can I be the only one allowed to get emotional, although his was over not winning an amp on EBay but whatever.

My back hurt and I got sleepy probably because of the Roxy/Oxy combo that didn't work. I haven't done it again since the pain didn't go away. Instead Sister Ambrose gave my some pain killing lidocaine cream that I was told to treasure. The pain has subsided some but I know that it is just a mask to the real problem. I can move better tho so to her I am grateful for that.

Tannan and Courtney stopped by to drop Kenan off some coke zeros, which was nice of them and they weren't planning on staying long b/c they knew I was tired since I had to post pone our movie date for the night.

I'm having a hard enough time now wrapping my head around going to the bathroom once and in the case today twice. I've never been so regular and it is freaking me out. And doing research or the thought of it freaks me out too. Aww.... it's a vicious cylce.

Going to bed now so that I will be well rested for 2nd round of chemo tomorrow. I also get my chemo pill tomorrow but I am not 100% sure when I begin to take it. We find that out tomorrow along w/ asking the doc about my poop thing. He should be able to answer my question better and probably a lot less confusing than the internet can. Until tomorrow...Goodnight zzzzzzzzz........

June 3, 2013

June 3, 2013 One Month Today

One month to the day, we received to devastating news that I have cancer although not knowing how bad or what kind our lives as we knew it was forever changed.

10:10 am Now I am sitting w/ Kenan in the oncology waiting room ever so patiently to start my second round of chemo. I'm praying that this round doesn't make me sick and that I'm able to keep a pep in my step. My back is still out but it feels tons better than yesterday and I want to be able to do a few things around the house tonight. The house still being in boxes is driving me bonkers. If we are able to just put up a little I think I will be ok.

10:30 Checked in and got all of that good stuff done (plus a free hat) got weighed (96.3lbs) Then we were told that we missed a step... lab work. This place is packed too. It's really looking like our whole day (well mine b/c Kenan is running errands) is going to be here at the hospital. I'm glad I brought stuff to do and a blanket b/c I feel a nap coming on. Hope my blood work is ok.

11:45 We waited in the lab waiting room for an hour. Oy Vey!! I feel bad mostly for Kenan because he is antsy and ready to get started on his errands. The time is the same but not to him and I'm trying to be understanding, because I get that way sometimes too, although I have mellowed down since cancer and time doesn't seem to matter as much. My blood came out nice and fast which means I'm plenty hydrated (Woohoo) now I'm just still praying that those white and red blood cells and those dang platelets are doing good.

12:?? So not sure what time everything else actually happened b/c after lab things started spiraling w/ talking w/ the doctor. She wants me to wean off of my seizure meds. Eek!! Hope I don't have a seizure. I also couldn't do my chemo today b/c it was scheduled too early to my Gamma Knife Radiation. So I go back Wednesday @8:15. Super Duper Early Tammy is taking me, which is super sweet of her. I did get my pills for chemo today tho, which I will start tomorrow night. I'm not normal, of course, so they are taking th aggressive no break approach. Most people that take Xeloda get a week break. Yeah I'm not so lucky unless my blood levels drop. Maybe the increased dosage will work, that's my hope anyway.

I'm still going to the bathroom everyday which is freaky. and no I didn't ask the doctor about it because Kenan says it's normal and a good thing. I might have break my no research rule. Shoot maybe it is good news and my tumor is shrinking and I'm able to eliminate things like normal people.

Kenan and I had a heart to heart today. He's way over-whelmed and I understand, he got thrown into this horrible situation really quickly and @ a very young age. He has even mentioned someone doing housework for hire, boy does that make me feel useless. That's my job and I feel like way less than the capable wife but I understand how it could take some burden off of him. I write this as he's cleaning up the kitchen and trying his best to keep up w/ chores. I may never be satisfied w/ his cleaning style but I'm definitely going to have to get used to it, especially if it gets worse for me physically. 

I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing tomorrow. Kenan has an appt w/ the lawyer in Shreveport but I'm leaning towards staying home and resting. I feel like I need the rest more and I think my back would agree with me.

June 4, 2013

June 4, 2013 I Hate Glenwood!

Slept good last night and able to get some resting alone time in while Kenan went to Shreveport. That is after he went to the doctor finally. He's only been sick since I was in the hospital. Oh well he's on the road to recovery now and that's the good thing.

In Shreveport Kenan was told by the lawyer that we basically have no case. We could look into one more thing but that may or may not work. But read this... Glenwood not only saw the inflammation on my lungs but also had in their notes that they knew basically that I had cancer that had spread but b/c we don't have insurance they didn't want nor or they obligated to tell me. No instead the nurse was quick to unplug me from the IV and send me home to take some laxatives. How insensitive can people be these days! It just doesn't seen right to me at all.

* I saw bats and fire flies tonight while on the phone w/ Daddy.

June 5, 2013

June 5, 2013 Xeloda today + 2nd round of chemo

Early, early appt. today... 8:15. Tammy and Thomas are taking me to chemo and I hope they don't get bored out of their mind. I did pack Thomas some snacks so that's something at least. I also start my Xeloda this morning. Noticed while reading the bottle that it's the highest dosage too. They really aren't playing around so I hope my body can handle it. Come on blood cells please don't feel on me. Tomorrow for my personal study I'm going to do more research on blood and fractions so I will be prepared just in case. It is probably something I'm going to have to research a lot just so I can keep my mind fresh about the matter.

Appt was @ 8:15 but it's now 10:30 and I'm getting hooked up now. Both tvs are on the same channel so that is a plus and I remembered my iPod so once the soaps start those earbuds are going in and I may even snooze a little. Tammy took Thomas to get some food and plus I'm pretty sure he needs a good break from the hospital. He's a great kid and hasn't complained at all but I know how I was at 9 and I would want to sit at the hospital w/ my aunt or anybody for 2 1/2 + hours. I was very proud of him early tho for stopping a book he was reading b/c of the bad language. Very impressed indeed!!

June 6, 2013

June 6, 2013 Chemo Sucks!

I didn't get to finish my journal entry yesterday, b/c I was super duper sick. In fact they had to wheel me out of the hospital after treatment. I threw up and threw up and threw up some more. It was so bad that Tammy and Thomas stayed the night although I slept through all of that. Fortunately so far I have been able to sleep through the nausea once I fall asleep. Today tho I stayed on top of my Phergnan and that seems to be helping. So far I've been able to keep everything down.

So Kenan is still sick and I'm paranoid that he's going to give me whatever he has. My nose is running and my head hurts...that's just what I need. I already had a fever this morning of 100.9 but it didn't last long. I'm still really nervous to see how Xeloda makes me feel, so far I don't think that I have had any or many side effects but then again I am thinking that it may take a while to get into my system. 

Today, Tammy went thru my closet. That was harder than I thought it would be. And what stinks is she's just the first to go thru my things. There is no reason for the clothes to go to waste, because we all know I can't fit these things and it will be a long time (if ever) that I will be able to.

I got approved for SSI and Medicaid today, which means a check in the mail and also all of my meds are going to be free from now on. I know that will be a huge burden off of Kenan's shoulders. Maybe he will be able to relax a little better now.

One last exciting thing that happened today, was the was a doe in our backyard today. Not in the yard but hiding in the woods. we saw her plain as day tho. I was pretty cool! Can't believe we have wild kingdom in our backyard living in the middle of town. Pretty cool, huh?!?

June 7, 2013

June 7, 2013

Kelly came over today to basically babysit me, but it really wasn't necessary. I know there will come the day that I will really need a sitter but i would rather just save it till then.

Going shopping tomorrow with DeEtt for the convention. I don't have anything at all and with it being next weekend I need to get that done pronto. So hopefully I wake up well rested and ready to go. And hopefully I find some good bargains.

june 8, 2013

June 8, 2013 Shop till I drop

Well first of all I didn't sleep well at all last night. My stomach was all messed up. I'm sure it had nothing at all to do with the 2 pieces of Appetizers fried chicken strips. I had to get out of bed twice to go potty and let me tell ya, my butt has no meat on it and that toilet seat is really starting to get hard since it takes me a little while to go these days. The first time I had to go to bathroom it's like I just woke up in the middle of the dream. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it, but it felt a little like an outer body experience, very weird indeed.

Needless to say after all of that I was so sleepy this morning and asked Dee if she minded picking me up @ 10:30 instead of 10:00 to give me a little extra time.

Dee is a great friend and hung with my slow self. We both knew I needed things but that I needed to go slow. That is exactly what we did too. She helped hold clothes, she helped check out so I could take a sitting break. We really enjoyed ourselves. And I have 99.1% of all that I need for the convention plus some casual clothes. That's right, I racked up. But I needed to, I had no clothes and now I do. I can't wait to show Kenan all of the cool things I bought. We didn't come home till after 11:00 p.m. so trying on would have definitely had to wait till tomorrow. I know that he will be excited about all of my things too.

After shopping we went back to her and Jason's house before getting ready for a race - Shelby's Wish 5K. Heck no I wasn't running but I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to cheer on my running buddies; Dee, Dakota, James and Dorcas. You couldn't have asked for nicer sitting outside weather either.

All in all today was very good. There were even moments that I was able to forget I was sick. Those times are few so enjoyable when they come along.

On our way home, Kenan and I talked about reality of death and it was nice to get things like that out there too. Don't get me wrong, there are times that it was very awkward but no reason to skirt around the issue. It is what it is after all. I want to be able to keep in good communication at all times through this.

Nitey Nite meeting tomorrow...

june 9, 2013

June 9, 2013 Meeting Time Plus Rest

Yup I woke up nice and refreshed. Must have slept hard and good because I really didn't think last night that I would be able to go to the meeting. Plus I commented and it came out normal. I had people telling me how good I looked today and that made me feel good. I do still have people warning me about my immune system. Listen I'm going to be here till I can't be. If I get the sniffles I will stay home, call the doctor and hibernate.

Jerry Bursen gave me a good compliment today, out of the blue. The unexpectedness of it cut me off and he got some tears in his eyes but it meant a lot for him to tell me how encouraging I have been and always keeping a smile on my face.

Tannan and Courtney came over today. We've been suppose to be watching a movie 'Upstream Color' for several weeks now. Still couldn't watch it tho because our internet was acting all kinds of wonky. Plan B - chit chat and shop in "Ashley's Closet". I'm glad that Courtney was able to find several things and I can't fit those clothes so why not. It does not get any less weird tho. Especially since I was wearing and loving those things 3 months ago. I may have let the last person shop for a while. The rest I will put in my hope chest. Sorry Kenan if you have to take care of the rest but here's hoping that I'll fit back in to them in no time well by next summer at least.

I showed Kenan my clothes today. I told him that I would try on a outfit a day for him. He liked all of my clothes tho. Kenan keeps calling me "my pretty girl". And he is constantly telling me how beautiful I am. It is very sweet of him and I know he is reassuring me of his love. Oh how I truly hope he still thinks I'm beautiful, no hair and bones.

June 10, 2013

June 10, 2013 Tried to Relax

I woke up this morning sleepy but ready to relax and chill so I made my breakfast and headed to the couch. I had a whole list of things I wanted to accomplish today but stupid internet was down so that messed up most of my plans. The internet tech came and was here 5 hrs. He even tried to leave at one point with the internet completely down. What an idiot! Making matters worse Kenan and I had things to do and places to be, and by the time the tech had figured the problem out, I got sick. My tummy messed up in a bad way (like there is a good way). so Kenan had to go to the store himself and just to pick up my meds. I needed to take Grandma's ring to the jewelers to get it sized. I had wanted to go to cato. Shoot I just wanted to be with Kenan.

Kenan was able to get the bathroom nice and organized and my things on a shelf I can reach without straining either high or low. Our bedroom is also completely organized too, all except my stuff. Who would have thought 2 months ago, Kenan's stuff would be what was put up and my stuff is what is piled in mounds on the floor. So our closet in tomorrows project on top of shopping. I'm worn out just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I really want to do everything tomorrow that Kenan has planned, I'm just not sure it's a good idea. 

June 11, 2013

June 11, 2013 Sick

I woke up last night in the middle of the night with tummy problems. I'm thinking the Xeloda is really getting to me. I was disappointed too b/c I wanted to spend the day with Kenan. So he went to Monroe without me and picked up my OxyContin (which is covered by my Medicaid) and talked to the nurse about my diarrhea. First, besides them finding it strange that I even have that problem b/c I am taking such a strong pain medication, they are trying Immodium. I don't know how often I'm suppose to take it but if I follow the directions it's only when I have an episode. Skipped Xeloda all day today and will resume tomorrow.

We are also supposed to go shopping tomorrow, to make up for today.

Today when I tried on my first dress for Kenan, he told me I was pretty like he always does and I sat in his lap in this office chair like a broken rag doll. He wanted to show me an Apple video. I don't remember anything about the video but I will cherish that moment in his arms. It was nice and I hope to have many many many more moments like that.

June 12, 2013

June 12, 2013 Made Up For Yesterday

We were able to get some shopping for Kenan done. He was looking for the convention (managed to find one shirt - PINK I might add) but mostly found casual clothes. I guess he needed those too. He got some shorts and shirts and shoes and a belt. I came home with 2 scarves, plus the one I received in mail. Hope Scarves is a nonprofit organization that rotates scarves as ones don't need them anymore. The one I received was very pretty. In fact I ended up wearing it today and I fell in love with square scarves. The only problem is apparently they are a booger to find. I must scour the internet tonight.

We ate lunch today with my parents at McAlister's since we were out and about. It was enjoyable and Daddy playing his bird app in the middle of the restaurant was kinda funny. Everybody was looking at us as the purple finch (which is red) chirped away quite loudly at our table. 

We leave tomorrow for the convention and I'm excited and nervous.

As it turns 7:40 pm I am getting sleepy b/c it has been a long day. I finished my supper, took my Xeloda and as Restaurant Impossible finishes up, Kenan is going to water the flowers and I'm going to fold the laundry. I'm trying to help as I have the energy. I know it can become overwhelming for him, especially since he isn't used to doing it. Here's to hoping my tummy holds up tonight and a good nights rest. Goodnight folks!

june 13, 2013

June 13, 2013 Diarrhea, Dehydrated, and D.C. Tomorrow

I feel like I am losing so much weight and that my immune system is crashing. My throat is hurting and my nose is running a little but I'm going to hold off on saying anything because I want to go to the convention as much as possible. Maybe they just need to adjust the Xeloda dosage but I wish they would do that instead of stringing me along. Fortunately I only have one more round of chemo before knowing if it is slowing down my tumors growth. At this point I am ready to just enjoy life and try alternatives. For this weekend though I think I have decided to decrease my Xeloda to one/one instead of two/two. It is my body after all. I just talked to Kenan on the phone about it and he was ok with it. We are going to get through this one way or another

- And all that said before breakfast -

We made it to Shreveport. We actually left Ruston before we planned which I thought was pretty darn good. That's never happened since I've been sick.

When we made it to Shreveport we checked in to our hotel, Towneplace Suites by Marriott. It's pretty nice, especially with it having a full kitchen w/ fridge/freezer and microwave. I think we will be able to put it to good use. We then went on our first "date night" in forever, so yes I was able check something off of the list. But once we left my tummy started gurgling. Sat and sat on the toilet but nothing so decided to give up because I know it will hit me again tonight some time. Shower time now so I can wake up early w/ the chickens for the convention - Day 1.

June 14, 2013

Yay it's here and I feel good to go. I hope it stays this way. Kenan and I decided that it's ok not to take Xeloda this weekend and focus on feeling good. I think when I get home tho, I am going to order this tea I read about that stopped this guys Stage IV stomach cancer that had spread everywhere. Kenan seems to think that there are going to be a lot of people mad if I stop taking chemo even if it doesn't work, and I'm sure there will be but I also think that it isn't any of their business. I'm still going to try my darndest to stay alive for as long as I can even trying other things, I just want to be able to enjoy life while I do that. Shoot you can't make everybody happy. Besides it's not their decision to make I digress...the convention is today.

I made it the whole day. Don't get me wrong, I am whooped but I did it and we aren't going out to eat tomorrow so we can rest then. It was so encouraging to be there and Kenan being in the Chairman's office really was a blessing from Jehovah, because just the little amount of time that I mingled with people was exhausting. 

june 15, 2013

June 15, 2013 Day 2

And we made it... last night I kinda left on a cliff hanger because I was #1 exhausted and #2 my stomach was messed up.

Even resorted to taking Xeloda (because that always works right) but once I took my OxyContin I was out and I slept like a baby. Woke up nice and refreshed and ready to go again for round 2. I felt like my brain was a little more foggy today (literally) and then I started thinking "well crap, that's one more thing that I can't cross off of my goal list", but you know what it is what it is and Kenan and I have started to come to grips with everything and even been able to laugh about it, so it's all good. And the fact that I sometimes find it hard to breathe is ok, I'm still breathing after all so that's something.

So yesterday I talked about how big of a blessing it was to be in the Chairman's office, same today. But today's more interesting topic is how many random people tell me that the love me. And I know they truly do, but I know now they are saying it b/c I have cancer. It's more of a reassurance, just at times it gets very awkward.

Kenan and I came back to the room tonight after the convention so I could utilize my leftovers while he ate his FreeBirds. We also went over our convention notes. It's nice to sit down and relax, to be by ourselves and enjoy alone time, especially knowing that next week is going to be super busy too w/ the visit of the Lucketts. Plus I'm already tired and w/ it being 8:06 that's a good thing. Hope to rest good tonight.

june 16, 2013

June 16, 2013 ALL 3 Days!

I made it all 3 days to the convention! Yep I'm excited, b/c I know that's where I was suppose to be and it was spiritually encouraging for both Kenan and I. It was such timely information and I met some great friends in the Chairman's Office.

I'm starting my Xeloda again tomorrow full force and I also started my stool softener again tonight, although I'm pretty sure it's my diet that has me all messed up on my pooping schedule. I know... I can't be satisfied for anything. Tomorrow I am also going to order some tea that has shrunk some guy on the internets stage IV stomach cancer to where it is now non-existent. Can't hurt to try it. And if it isn't another pill, I'm game, why not?

You would think I would have more to say, and I do but I'm so tired at the moment I can't keep my eyes open, so I will try to remember tomorrow. Goodnight!

June 17, 2013

June 17, 2013 Energy Day then Crash...

I woke up full of energy for some reason. You wouldn't think I would feel energized after such a long weekend but woke up and there you have it. I ate my breakfast, took my pills and watched my birds. Then I watered my flowers and swept, even vacuumed the rug in the living room. I sewed on Kenan's button that had been staring at me for at least a week and I pooped out. Just a few months ago, laundry would have been done, trash taken out, the tub fully cleaned (b/c I tried today and it didn't quite work) all of the floors would been cleaned but a lot of things change in a short period of time.

Today my brain was a little foggy. Not sure if it is the cancer or the meds but whatever it is it kinda freaks me out a little bit from time to time. I find myself not remembering things but for the moment I'm going to blame the meds and think positive. We will know in a few weeks how the chemo is doing and in August we will see how my brain is operating.

I sure hope that I didn't overdo it today. Kenan is tired too so I know tonight is going to be nice and relaxing. I'm going to try to find some recipes for some healthy cancer fighting snacks for when Kenan is gone to work. I find myself not eating as well when he's away. Not that I eat junk food just not enough. Guess I should have learned how to cook a long time ago before I got sick. Well I can't change that now so moving forward I will just do what I can.

june 18, 2013

June 18 Post Written Entry

You read correctly. I should have written earlier in the day but time slipped away and I was so concerned with not wearing myself out that I forgot to write until the wee hours of the morning and by that time what's the point.

Not too much happened on June 18th anyway besides discovering that I'm pretty sure this high dosage of Xeloda is making me feel like crap all over. I wake up with a headache, my left calf muscle aches, I'm depressed, I have bone aches that I used to not notice in my ribs, I tingle, I'm moody, I have chills, heaven knows what my white blood counts are, and the list goes on. I'm just waiting for the hand/foot syndrome next. That will be the last straw for me, because this is ridiculous. Good thing I have an appointment next monday.

We also started our circuit overseer visit last night so this is going to be a busy week of activity. It should be very encouraging and I can't wait to have a full share as possible. Hope my body holds out.

june 19, 2013

June 19, 2013 Long Day Plus More Side Effects

I woke up early (early enough to write my previous entry) and decided to go ahead and get my day started. I ate my breakfast and started on my pill regimen. When I say I feel like this Xeloda is kicking my tail, I really mean it. I feel tingly all over and achey. I shouldn't feel that way with as much pain medicine as I take but I do. And talk about tired, today I went out in service for about 1 1/2 hrs and I was done after that. I had to come home and crash for 2hrs. When I say crash, I'm talking about in the bed, lights out, under the covers. After that tho I felt better and was able to be in the kitchen while Kenan cooked us supper for the night

Afterwards I called Daddy and talked with him for a while and Kenan played guitar until his internet went out. He has a short fuse when it comes to his internet service so he was pretty much done after that which left cleaning the kitchen to me. Woohoo! Not to mention there are clothes still piled on the couch. Hopefully the C.O. (Jerry) and Chad don't want to visit tomorrow b/c that's one more thing on my plate. I keep praying to help me be understanding about Kenan not understanding how important it is to stay on top of the house work, but it seems like the harder I pray about it, the more frustrated I get. At least at this particular moment, he is working on his Ebay business and not playing guitar. that's something at least. I know I feel like I'm griping just to gripe, but that's what this journal is for so I can do that.

On another note, I wrote my first sympathy card today. Not first ever of course but first since my prognosis. It was a little weird and I tried not to come across over analytical. I even had Kenan read it to make sure. Hey he approved, so if the dear sister doesn't feel comforted I guess I'll just have to blame my drugs. That's my excuse for everything these days. "Hey it's the drugs talking!"

june 20, 2013

June 20, 2013 Tired

I was tired today... all day. I managed to do a little cleaning on the guest room (when I say a little, I mean very minute) but I went through my card stash and got some good ones to use. I now may not send the same generic thank you card to the same person twice. I keep getting cards in the mailbox and I love it, but not sure on the protocol on how many thank you I should send out to the same person. Some I'll send a simple thinking of you, some I wont send anything. The rest of the day tho I pretty much crashed while digging through some runner's world mags for the Luckett's. They are running the Disney Half Marathon in January! I'm so excited for them. It's their first race ever and I know they will enjoy it.

When we got home, I made myself some hummus and snacked on it so I could take my medicine and Kenan watched Game 7 of the BBall playoffs. Good thing for him is that the Heat won. He had been pulling for them so Woohoo!! I called Kelly and we talked for a while and then it was getting late so we called it a night.

Now I'm calling it a night and hoping tomorrow is better!

June 21, 2013

June 21, 2013 Busy day of cleaning...

I had a good day today, which probably means I over did it and will feel like crap tomorrow but take the good days use them up and then take the bad days. In other words today was good and tomorrow as far as I know will be good tomorrow too.

Tammy and Chelsi came over this afternoon while Kenan went to his elders meeting. I haven't seen Chelsi in years upon years. It was good visiting with them and I cooked today (black beans in the crock pot) so I was able to feed them like I had real guests.

We saw a cat "Lucifer" attack by the head one of my squirrels. The cat came from no where and the other squirrels just stared in amazement. I couldn't watch at all but Chelsi and Tammy were like the other squirrels too and amazed. Tammy finally knocked on the window but all the cat did was take the defenseless squirrel into the woods, as long as it wasn't left in the yard.

Well long day today and will be a long day tomorrow so till next time...

June 22, 2013

June 22, 2013 What Else Is There to Say?!!?

So today I woke up super tired because we went to bed too late. Ate breakfast and tummy troubles set in, which led to us being late for the meeting for service. Originally Kenan and I were going to go in at 11 but Charme' asked if I would work in her car group and I'm not going to say no to the C.O. wife plus I really enjoy her so of course. It was a fabulous morning. We laughed from beginning to end. There was even a Billy Goat involved, no joke!! We took it real nice and easy but by the time we got back to the hall we had 15 min to get lunch and head back for the awesome pioneer meeting. By the time that was over I was beat

Side note - just saw a commercial and Sonic has cinna-snacks again. Those were a guilty pleasure @ one time.

June 23, 2013

June 23, 2013 Long Week Down!

Wow this was a long week and I have a feeling that I have a very long week ahead of me too. Chemo should be this week, I think. All I know for sure is that I go in tomorrow for lab work and to talk to doc about my Xeloda. We have to be there early tomorrow too... 8:30 is my appt. My ribs have been hurting a little more lately. I wonder if it is the cancer or a side effect from a pill. I'm also having some tummy issues, but what's new right? That's what got me into trouble in the first place. Maybe I shouldn't have eaten the Roma, but it was oh so good and who knows how long I'll be alive to enjoy it. I think about dying a lot. I'm not afraid of it at all b/c I look forward to waking up w/ no more thoughts of being sick, but I'm just being realistic with myself.

Guess Kenan and I are both ready for that scan to see how the cancer is progressing or not. Lets hope for the best. I'm trying to stay positive and always smile but I would at least like to know. I've been sleepy this evening since my parents left but that is probably because I didn't eat anything or much green things today. I've been trying to drink tons of water tho because I don't want to be dehydrated tomorrow for lab work. I'm also interested to see how my white blood count is or if they will even say anything about it, hopefully everything is A-OK.

My parents came over this afternoon and Daddy fixed my bird feeder from being attacked by "Garfield". We haven't seen if it works yet or not but one thing I have noticed is that my bigger birds don't really care for the upside down pot contraption. I've been told that they will get over it and I'm sure they will. Now it's just a waiting game to see if it just does what it is supposed to do. I sure hope it does b/c if not Kenan is talking BB gun. Eek

June 24, 2013

June 24, 2013 Rash

Woke up this morning like most mornings to pee in the middle of the night, but this time I was sweating and reached down to wipe some sweat away and noticed bumps. Great! Not really freaked me out.. aa lot. Little small white bumps and I have no idea what it could be from. My crying woke Kenan up. He reassured me that it's going to be ok especially since I already have a doc appt scheduled anyway. Yeah that's good and everything but I don't want to be infected or anything. It may be a side affect to something. I'll be sure to add that to the list of things to ask to doctor today. Need less to say it was a stressful morning getting ready. Kenan and I were snapping @ each other for some reason. He was super sleepy and I was just ready to go and start the whole process of finding what's going on with my body.

9:15 Appt was scheduled for 8:30 but of course we take our time b/c Conway isn't going anywhere. We've been going pretty fast tho, because we're through central registration and lab work is done. Now we are sitting in Oncology waiting room where they are blasting an infomercial w/ gospel music. I don't tune things out very well so I will be glad when it goes off. It's so loud we can't even hear if they call my name or anybody's name for that matter.

10:10 weight check 95.7 lbs

They wanted to do chemo today but we weren't prepared for that so I'm coming back tomorrow. I mean come on we really weren't expecting to even do chemo until Wednesday. At least lab work went ok and Dr. Armeganny said we have more options if my chemo doesn't work not to mention that I can only take so much of this one chemo anyway.

Kenan and I had to have a good talk today and after some much shed tears (by me of course) some things got worked out. I think the air got cleared a little which was nice. We went and ate lunch at Bacco (nasty food but great company) then went home to relax and clean for tomorrow. Shoot we know that it is going to be a long next couple of days.

June 25, 2013

June 25, 2013 Round 3

Kelly texted this morning for me to call her b/c she needed to ask me something. Daddy wants to come and help pick me up from the hospital and take me home. Kenan and Tammy think it's a bad idea but the way I figured was he is eventually going to have to get used to it anyway, at least now I can control my bodily functions now. I don't know how it will be in the future. I'll decide after this round if I let him do it again. I may only have one round left anyway. I did tell my nurse about my nausea last time and she gave me a sample of 'Emend' to try. But I also took some Zophran and Phenergan so who knows how I am going to do with all of these anti-nausea meds. Well I'm about to get started so may not hear from me for a while...Sayonara

june 26, 2013

June 26, 2013 Wasn't Too Bad

So round 3 wasn't as bad b/c the nurse gave me a sample of a pill that is supposed to counter act the affect of chemo. Sure I had some side effects from that that were pretty scary (swelling of tongue, temporary breathing issues) but I didn't have any vomitting @ all. It did also have a warning against another pill I was taking too so I was scared enough not to finish the 2 more pills. I stuck w/ the Phenergan. Had some chemo side effects show up but still no nausea or vomitting. 

Pretty sure that my dad is pissed @ Kenan again. This stresses me out more than anything b/c they are the most important men in my life and I love them both dearly. I'm stuck in the middle and neither one of them understand the other. Sure Kenan came in from work seemingly more interested in his cell phone Ebay business than his wife who just endured chemo for the day, but I understand his thought process, my dad not so much. My tears didn't help either I guess. I tried to hold them in but I'm an emotional wreck and I couldn't. Ever since then Daddy has been making digs @ Kenan and I don't think he realizes how much that hurts either.

Didn't make it to the meeting b/c I still had wobbly legs and my nose is running. Hoping that I'm not getting a cold but you never know with chemo drugs attacking everything good and bad in your body. It's a vicious cycle of good vs. evil.

june 27, 2013

June 27, 2013 Felt a little worse today...

Woke up with tight calves this morning. I don't know what is up with that. They lossen after a while but it goes right back after I sit or lay down. I also feel a little more morose. I know that I had some tummy issues last night so maybe I need to drink some Gatorade.

june 28, 2013

June 28, 2013 Dehydrated...

Kenan stayed home from work today b/c I got sick last night on the potty. Just a side note, 2 hrs on the toilet will dehydrate you for sure. My muscles cramped up where I could barely walk, well I couldn't walk w/o help from Kenan. So all day I sipped on Pedialyte and Gatorade. I don't have much of an appetite tho and I'm skipping a whole day of Xeloda again. I don't know if I'm ever going to get used to all of these medicines. Hopefully they are doing something to make all of this worth it.

We were able to get out of the house for a little bit b/c I get stir crazy sometimes. we went to a little nursery/outdoor store and to Lowe's. I found an orchid that is dying (like me) so I have to revive it too. My little project.

Kenan then played on his new PRS guitar. It's pretty. I have to admit it is prettier in person than it was online but a lot of things are. I'm just happy that Kenan is happy with it. He shined it up and polished it till it was all pretty but he did make them with me so I'm ok with it.

My parents then came over. Daddy found me a bird bath at the little artsy store across the street. It is short, wide and pretty. Now I just have to find the perfect spot for it. They also brought me a "Little Golden Book" entitled Butterfly Kisses. If that isn't a water works, I don't know what is. But Kelly did warn me ahead of time so I am thankful for that. Butterfly Kisses is the song Daddy and I danced to at Kenan and mine wedding. I started crying before I even cracked it open. Now I keep that in my bedside table, maybe one day I will be able to read it without crying.

june 29, 2013

June 29, 2013 Long Day...

After service we came home, ate, napped, finished out WT for tomorrow and got ready to go to Jason and Dee's. We had contemplated not going b/c of my not feeling well and both of us being tired but I enjoy being around my friends and it always lifts my spirits and makes me feel better. It worked this time too! It was us, Jason and Dee, Slade and Tara and Tara. It was nice to get out and we sat outside and watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Tara Jordan had never seen the movie so it was turning point for her too. LOL! Gotta love that girls. She's so fun.

So after leaving there after 10, Kenan and I headed home and I hopped in the shower as soon as getting home and then to bed. Boy am I pooped. Tomorrow I have to wake up and finish studying for the meeting. Thankfully I have a pretty good idea what I am wearing and that makes it easy.

We are also going to do some calls tomorrow after the meeting. Our goal is 15hrs this month. I have 2 1/2 left. I think I can do it Woohoo!!

Check in tomorrow

june 30, 2013

June 30, 2013

Had the meeting this morning and started full dosage back with Xeloda. I felt crabby almost immediately. The meeting was good tho.

Kenan and I were both exhausted so even though several from the hall were going to the movies to watch the new "Monster's" movie, we stayed in and napped. We were suppose to finish cleaning the guest room (Kenan's idea) but I started feeling bad so we just positioned my bird bath, watered the flowers, fed the birds, and cleaned the common area. The weather temp was nice outside so we sat out for a little while until Kenan started getting eaten by mosquitos.

Then I called Daddy after eating or snacking I should say and taking round 2 Xeloda for the day. You would know that my stomach started acting up as soon as Daddy called me back